This time of year

This time of year is the worst when you are her.  It's lonely.  It's days you dread.  I hate it.  Every year.

I became irrationally mad today.  I was mad because I am single and dealing with things he can help me with if he had "picked" me.  I am pretty independent but sometimes I just want help and get overwhelmed trying to deal with things the man in the relationship usually deals with.  I was mad thinking how much I can offer, how much he knows this, and how lonely it is doing it on my own.  I can do it.  But sometimes I just don't want to have to.  I want someone to help me.  And I get irrationally mad that his wife has him to do those things for her and doesn't appreciate it.  And I get mad all over again wondering why I wasn't good enough for the "normal" stuff.

I get mad at myself that I have only truly been interested in one guy since him and he turned out to be a jerk.

I get mad thinking all the times I heard "man someone will be really lucky to have you one day."  Well if you say that why wouldn't it be you?

I get sad sometimes but some days I just get mad.  Mad that I have given him so much power over me.  Nobody should have so much power over you to control your emotions so much.

I wish we had a switch to turn the emotions off but since we don't....I hate this time of year.

Back to me

Songs evoke all kinds of emotions don't they?

When we would go through our periods of hot and cold...there were many of those...there are certain songs I remember thinking were perfect for me.  The song was meant for me to hear.  The biggest was Stronger by Sara Evans.

Then there are the ones that just make me sad like this one

And this....(I adore these bands btw)

This one sums up how I rushed right back after the "cold" periods....

Then...then there is this.  LOVE this and the message.   That's what is the bottom line...getting back to me.  

Memory is a funny thing

Sorry I have been MIA a bit.  Sometimes you just need to not think you know?  Last night I was thinking how memory is so funny.  Why do we remember some things so vividly and other things fade so fast?  Some of my most vivid memories are insignificant details. But they stick with me and I will never forget them.

For example...I have blocked out almost every detail of my marriage.  I remember a few things like how I just knew the day I was going to receive a proposal and prayed I was wrong.  I remember not crying at my wedding but crying on my honeymoon.  Maybe I don't remember any good memories because there really just weren't any.

Things I do remember...
-the exact moment I knew I was head over heels for someone who wasn't mine
-the day in the car he held my hand as we drove...as if it was just the most normal thing in the world
-how he chose to hang out with me at a happy hour instead of with his girlfriend the night before she was going out of town for a long weekend
-how I could be so goofy with him and one day when I was being really silly and imitating the radio announcer he became dead serious and looked at me and said "don't go anywhere else because I would be sad."  I remember how it caught me totally off guard.
-how I was in a very small room with him for work one day, very early on, and I felt very uncomfortable.  Later I realized it was because I was so attracted to him.
-how he was trying to tell me some work related info outside and I went full ninja mode when a bee flew near me.  He stopped talking to look at me and I said "I'm sorry but I do not appreciate bees."  He continued where he left off then a few seconds later started cracking up and said "you don't appreciate bees huh."
-I remember wanting to tell him how I felt but didn't.  Even when he said "what was it you wanted to tell me?"


All these small memories that will never fade.  And honestly...I don't want them to.  Even though I have never been through such a tumultuous situation...it taught me a lot.  It taught me that I don't want to settle.  I don't want a relationship in the future that is so easily forgotten like my marriage was.  I want a relationship where I can say "this was the moment I knew..."  I want small, insignificant moments that add up to a significant connection.  What's those song lyrics...I don't want easy.  I want crazy (not literally, nobody got time for that), passionate, best friend and more romance. And it may be rare but I am grateful for having experienced those moments that made me feel alive.  And quite honestly... I am grateful he experienced them with me because I know for a fact he settled for someone he doesn't get those moments with.  I still have a world of possibilities ahead of me.  I am grateful for the memories that won't fade and am grateful the ones I didn't need have long faded.

Jealousy

Here's the thing about being her...I know I've mentioned it before...but it is hard not to be jealous of the girlfriend/wife who gets what you want.  She gets the time with him of just being there.  Watching Netflix.  Going to a movie (we did that once, I still have the ticket stub).  Having double dates.  Doing things with friends.  Texting/calling ANY time of day (cause after certain times texting/calling is off limits...although I can get into the texts/calls she did see cause I can't say I was sad about it).

But...if she knew about me...truly knew about me...she would be super jealous.  Hell, she may still be now.  She was at one time, when she knew I was around him daily.  Later he got better at keeping me under wraps.  But not at first.  At first, when things were "innocent" he talked about me and talked about what we did at work and what we talked about.  Hell he may have even told her people called me his work wife.  She was jealous then I know.  She just didn't really know how much she had to be jealous about.  But if she knew what I gave him that she didn't, I know her jealousy would burn more than mine.  As much as I wanted what she gets...there is no need for me to be jealous of any of those things because I know that it's not "real" if I'm a behind the scenes player.  Like I've said before...she isn't really winning is she?  Not that I won either.  The truth is neither of us got all of him like we both wanted.  He told me once "one of the good things about her is that she doesn't get jealous."  I said "um yes she does, she just hasn't shown you yet."  She would show him later...trust me. 

So back when I struggled with my jealousy...I wanted to see if he could be jealous too.  After my divorce I went a bit wild.  I went out A LOT.  I met a few people.  I did not really hesitate in going home with a few of them.  Now before I get labeled a complete ho...know that I stopped myself when I realized a few things.  1.  What I was doing was dangerous in not really knowing who I was going home with because no way was a stranger coming to my house.  So what if I ended up at a psycho's house and nobody knew where I was?  2.  Dangerous because of diseases that are out there of course and 3.  Dangerous for my soul.  I was trying to fill a hole that could not be filled.  At least, not in the way I was going about things.  So...luckily that phase didn't last too long.  (I mean, it can't be that bad right...I am still friends with a few of these guys on FB.  See, these guys wanted more with me...but I prefer a challenge apparently)  I was very lucky with as many risks that I took during that phase that nothing extremely bad happened.*

But during that phase, every time I went home with someone I made sure to tell him about it.  Not straight out but hinted around until he asked what happened during my weekend.  Then I would share and his response was "GOOD for YOU!" said in a way that was completely believable to me.  In a way that I was disappointed he wasn't instead saying "I don't want to hear about it." 

Here's the thing.  He WAS jealous.  He was just way better at hiding it than me.  He even admitted it to me later that he didn't like hearing about it but he wasn't exactly in the position to say I couldn't do that was he?  But one lesson that taught me...the key with winning against the green monster...if you are jealous, in any area of life, don't let it show.  Don't let it win.  Because if nobody knows you are jealous, is it kind of like a tree falling in a forest with nobody to hear...does it even matter?   Jealousy only wins when someone else knows you are jealous and that it is eating away at you.  And once you can control it and not let it eat away at you and affect you outwardly...YOU win.  That is how I won the jealousy battle.   Like a quote on Pinterest somewhere says...there is always a "she" and you may be another person's "she" that she is jealous of.  While you are likely jealous of someone there is always someone likely jealous of you.  And isn't it ironic if you are jealous of each other?  Jealousy really is pointless.  (I know easier said than done.  Trust me, I know)

*BTW-I do not advocate the wild phase although most newly single people go through it.  It DOES make for some great stories I will say that.  Some of my most embarrassing, awkward stories came out of that phase and some of which I will never, ever repeat.  Unless I happen to have about 8 drinks accidentally at dinner one night you may hear one that is the worst story ever.  ( And anyone that has heard it will never speak a word of it.  You know who you are.) 

The burn

Friends told me I was attracted to this relationship because I already knew it was "safe" as in he wasn't available therefore I was in no real danger of getting hurt.  Which could be partly true except this type of relationship is guaranteed hurt...

A wife and a work wife-A brief intro

When I first saw him I had a feeling that I had met him somewhere before.  He just had that familiar feeling.  Cheesy?  Maybe...but true.  I didn't have an instant attraction to him in a "want to rip your shirt off way."  (this would come later for sure although I still remember he was wearing a maroon button up shirt the first day I met him) But I was attracted to him as someone I wanted to get to know.  We met at work and spent a lot of time together.  We were in training classes together, on the same teams, and spent a few weeks traveling together.  This time traveling was when I think the real attraction started to build.  Specifically when we both were comfortable talking about EVERYTHING and proceeded to talk about bedroom likes and dislikes.  He made the comment that his girlfriend couldn't whistle and he thought that correlated to giving bad blow jobs because she wasn't good at that either.  Without hesitating I said "That isn't true.  I can't whistle but I sure can do that well."  Ok ladies...when you tell a guy you are good at that...I don't care who he is, his interest automatically increases by A LOT.  This will come into play later but a little tip on that...even if you feel you aren't good at that...act confident as hell and he will think you are great!  Confidence is key. 

We proceeded to tell each other everything.  I know all about his past girlfriend's.  I know about his likes, dislikes.  He found out more about me than anyone would and will ever know.  And the best part...I was absolutely comfortable talking to him about all of this.  It just felt natural.  We had no qualms about any subject.  We worked all day together then would go out to dinner.  The whole time we spent getting to know each other in a way that takes most people years and years to do.  In no time I was known as the work wife.  I had never heard that term before so when someone said that I laughed and said "what are you talking about?"  He said "you know, you are his wife at work.  You two are always together and do everything together and are very close.  That's a work wife."  Finding that out made me extremely happy.  Because I wasn't a happy real wife. 

See...I was married at the time this traveling was taking place. My controlling husband was not happy I was traveling but I didn't ask his permission. 

Sidenote: 

A few signs your marriage may be off course:
-You don't care about consulting your significant other before making a decision
-When you have a fight with your significant other you drive straight to another man's house
-You don't want to do it with your significant other
-The first person you want to tell something exciting to...not your significant other
-You pretty much despise your significant other. 
-You find out you are pregnant and are devastated realizing you are really stuck now.  I'm talking straight up depression here. 

Just a few signs.  I had all those and more. 

So yes, not only was I unhappily married, starting to become highly attracted to someone else, I was also prego.  I was in denial about that last fact.  When I was with him I pretended I was someone else.  Not married, not pregnant.  I just enjoyed being with him.  And so our story began...innocently enough...and I had no idea just what path it was about to lead me down. 

Scandal

I was catching up on my DVR'd shows tonight and watched Scandal first thing.  There is a scene where Olivia says the following: 

 

"I keep asking myself 'When did it happen?  When did I turn right instead of left?  What choice was it that decided?  When exactly did I do the thing...the one step?  What flap of the butterfly's wings brought me to this moment?  How did I get here?  Because I can't seem to retrace my steps."  That right there completely sums up how you wake up one day realizing you are the other woman and those exact thoughts go through your head.  This is why I love this show. 

 

Last season one of her best quotes was this:

 

Responding to someone who says that he gets to tell people he did the right thing and that's something...Olivia says

"That's more than something.  That's everything.  That's what saves you in the end.  You do the wrong thing then you're done.  Not at first.  It only feels like a misstep at first, a compromise, a concession to reality, a bad move well played.  But at some point you're only going in that direction and by the time you realize how far down that path you are you're lost.  Everything is unrecognizable.  You are unrecognizable to yourself.  You find yourself doing things you never thought you would do in ways you never thought you would do them to save things you never thought you would want to save.  That's how you know you are done." 

 

I mean come on...could the dialogue of this show BE any more brilliant and on point?  It's brilliant.  It is rewind, replay worthy.  You find yourself doing things you never thought you would do in ways you never thought you would do them to save things you never thought you would want to save.  On. Point. 

 

It's easy to relate to Olivia Pope.  She's involved with a married man.  He just happens to be the President.  Some of the best lines have come from this show.  If you haven't watched it, I strongly recommend it. 

A few more of my favorite words of wisdom

"Dirty little secrets always come out."

"Work helps.  So does exercise.  Stuff that numbs you, keeps you from thinking too much."

"You would be lucky to have me."

"Who you are, who you love, that shouldn't be a secret.  It shouldn't have to be a secret, should it."

"My world.  My rules."

Watch this show and get inspired by how strong Olivia Pope is. 

Questions I often ask myself

As the other woman there are a lot of thoughts and questions that go through your mind.  Here are a few that plague me the most often. 

• Why am I only good enough to be second choice?  The backup?  The secret? 
• Does he regret his situation now and really wishes he could be with me but is too "tied down?""
• Does he think about me as much as I think about him?
• Does he not reach out to me because he is in happy mode at home?  Am I only a distraction?
• What's he doing?  Are they having a date night?  Are they watching a movie? 
• Would he get jealous if another man were in my life? 
• Do I make it too easy for him?  Always being there whenever he calls and jumping at the chance to see him. 
• Will I ever find someone else I feel that connection with like him?
• Is it just a "want what you can't have" thing for him or would he really be with me if he could?
• Why didn't he call today? 
• Why does he act caring some days and like I'm non-existent other days? 
• Why do I worry about pleasing him when he openly admits to not giving me anything in return? 
• If I cut things off would he be more motivated to leave?  Would he miss me?  Would he even care? 
• If I cut things off will he just continue his married life because it's easy?  Would he find someone else?
• How long will I let myself live like this? 
• Does he understand how hard this is for me? 

I am a strong, independent woman who has overcome many obstacles.  I overcame divorce, debt, raising a child at a young age.  I'm so strong in many areas of my life, yet, I am weak when it comes to him.  What is it about him that I won't respect myself enough to say I deserve better? 

These questions keep me awake at night.  One question or another is always in the back of my mind.  I wish I could easily keep my emotions out of it. I can say out of all the things in my life, this has been one of the most painful to deal with.  I'll get more into the story of us later (now is a Taylor Swift song stuck in your head?) but for now these are some questions that still run through my mind.  Seven years later.  Yes, seven years I've been emotionally tangled up at the least.  How long will I let myself live like this? 

Run and Hide

If you are like me, anyone that is or has been an other woman wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Ever.  If you are in a situation where it's possible you could end up being the other woman for whatever reason...run.  If you are a newly other...run.  If you are an other who can find the strength that it takes...run. Let me be clear.  It is not a situation you want to be in. When I say it is the highest high it really is. It's better than any drug.  But the lows, and there are a lot of lows, well you'll need some powerful drugs to get you through it.  (I am talking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds here...not heroin ok?)  To quote from a line in Ocean's Eleven, "My advice to you is this. Run and hide. That is all I ask."

Some harsh truths

I'm going to talk about some harsh truths.  If you are the significant other and prefer to be comforted with lies...don't read this.  If you prefer to be blissfully ignorant, don't read this.  For all the other ladies out there in my shoes, I think you'll agree with me on the following points. 

• Just because her number isn't in his phone, it doesn't mean he doesn't call her.
• Just because he is friends with her on FB doesn't mean he isn't with her.
• Just because he is NOT friends with her on FB doesn't mean he isn't with her.  You really can't win with this attempt at figuring things out.  FB reveals nothing.  Unless he sends messages through FB and forgets to delete them.
• Sometimes she really hopes you suspect and it drives you crazy because she has to deal with so many different emotions on her end, she hopes you deal with emotional ups and downs too. 
• The reason that she doesn't tell you anything even when she feels at her wits end with the situation is because a. she is protecting him and b. she wants him to want her on his own term, not because she forced him into it.  (if you do encounter a her that tells you everything, or passive aggressively tells you everything like via a fake FB account...then your man chose a CRAZY one and he most likely regrets that)
• Every anniversary (as in your anniversary), birthday, holiday-she is thinking about him and wondering what he is doing.  Sometimes...he even sees her on those days and that makes her feel really special knowing he wants to see her on days you think are your special days. 
• As much as you may hate her, she has heard nothing good about you so she really can't stand you either. 
• If you suspect anyone of being a her, you should've tried to get to know her and be friends with her, especially if she tried to get to know you.  I tried that route and was completely shot down.  Had I become friends with the significant other, maybe I would've worried more about the impact.  That ship sailed quickly after I made several attempts...and so did my giving a damn.  Harsh?  Yes.  True?  Yes.  Did I make sure to tell him my thoughts about that exact thing?  Yes.  "She should've tried to get to know me better because now I will always take your side."  Period. 
• There are days she is very jealous of you in a way.  She wants the normalcy you have with the day to day things.  She wants to be able to go out in public and enjoy a normal relationship.  But she knows you didn't really "win" in the situation.  Because if you knew about her...you would want what she has.  Her confidence, her ability to give him things that you don't or that you choose not to.  Ultimately, she has the power.  She isn't forcing him to come back to her time after time.  What brings him back is what she provides that is missing from home.
• It boils down to this final statement-if someone wants to stray from the relationship there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it.  You can check cell phones, emails, FB...it doesn't matter.  Even if they say the "when would I have time?" line...they make time.  There is always time for what someone feels is a priority. 
• Sex is important to every guy even if they say it isn't.  It is.  So is respect and admiration. 
• Even if she eventually is out of the picture, the problems don't disappear with her.  The problems were there long before she appeared. 

There are some harsh truths for all the her's out there as well.  Such as...

• By giving him what he wants he can have the stability of a relationship and the fantasy that you provide.  We are letting him have his cake and eat it too. 
• The relationship you have with him is based purely on his convenience. 
• As much as you pretend the significant other doesn't exist, it is a punch in the gut when you see her. 
• You will overthink more than  you ever thought possible.
• You will dread certain days of the year. 
• You will want to tell your friends how happy he makes you and you will want to tell your friends how frustrated the situation makes you but you can't.  Or you can if you trust them enough with keeping it to themselves.  But it is a heavy burden to bear. 
• You are human and you will get jealous even if you know things are bad at home.
• And you love hearing the stories about how bad things are at home. 
• You also hate hearing stories about anything that sounds remotely good. 
• When you hear other people talk about him and his family you will want to scream about how it's not real because he has you but you smile and nod and mutter under your breath about how FB doesn't show what goes on behind closed doors. 
• You LOVE hearing other people come up to you and say "wow I met the wife and she is so rude."  It really validates that you don't just despise her just because you adore him.
• Whatever feelings you have you are allowed to have.  If you confide in someone and they invalidate your feelings then stop confiding in them.  Nobody can understand the feelings until they've been in your shoes.  Nobody.  It's ok to feel jealous, sad, mad, happy, confused, frustrated, hopeful, stupid, naïve, or whatever it is you feel.  It's ok. 
• You'll imagine the most amazing, fun filled family life at home when you wonder what he is doing.  Most of the time what you imagine is completely wrong.  Stop thinking so much. 
• He would not be with you if he were truly happy at home. 
• While people may judge you if you reveal anything, it's not their life.  And it's not their heart.  It's yours to risk.  Follow it.  But don't make him the center of your universe until he makes you the center of his. 

The World Thru Her Eyes

Yes, this is a blog about her.  The her everyone loves to hate.  The her that always is the brunt of the shaming.  The her that always bears the weight of hatred that nobody ever really deserves.  Well, I suppose there are some special breeds of her that have intentions that are different than the her I am referring to and those are a different story.  Everyone probably knows her or of her.  Or maybe, just maybe, you are her.  And if you are, you likely woke up one day and thought "How did I get here?"  See, she never planned on being her.  She never planned on her life going this way.  Why would anyone want to be the one that is bound to be hated?  Chances are, if you are her, you've Googled so many different questions looking for the answer.  I've Googled for answers.  I've talked to people who have opinions that don't really matter to me because I end up following my heart anyways.  The heart and the mind are two very separate entities.  What she knows she should do and what she wants to do play a constant tug of war.  And by constant I'm talking daily.  It's a thought that never truly leaves your mind.  I'm writing this blog because I'm her.  I'm the woman who you would hate if you knew my true story.  But until you know my story I'm just another woman trying to make it through life with as few scars as possible.  Until you know I'm her, I'm just another girl who you may possibly be friends with.  What if your sister, aunt, cousin, best friend, or co-worker is her?  How would you look at her differently?  Does it inherently change who she is?  Does it truly define her?  Absolutely not.  Of course, others will argue that it does. Would you change your relationship with her because of that part of her life?  I hope not.  I guarantee she already feels that part of her life is huge and she can't share it with anyone and that makes it an incredibly, lonely feeling. 

Essentially what I'm getting at is nobody knows what it is like to be her until you have been her.  Nobody knows the feeling of waking up thinking they can't believe this is where they are at until you've been there.  The highs are extremely high and the lows are extremely low.  There are moments where you feel very powerful and there are moments where you feel very powerless.  She is not some seductress with no feelings.  She could be anyone you know.  But they are too scared to admit it and will keep their secrets to avoid the shame that comes along with being her.  And in doing so, they cause more mental damage to themselves having this heavy burden to bear and nobody to confide in. 

There will be people that read this and give the feedback that none of the details matter, she should suffer, she hurt a family.  Honestly, its all been said before, plenty of times, and this blog isn't for negative comments and for scorned women to talk about how awful the her they know is.  This blog is for all the hers out there, like me, who need advice and a place to find others to relate to.  The brutal truth of the matter is the other woman didn't say a vow to anyone (unless the other woman is also married).  Unfortunately, the husband/boyfriend involved usually gets off easier with less blame than the other woman.  Of course the blame had to be because the woman was this irresistible seductress and the man had no power to control himself under her spell.  False.  Everyone has a choice in life.  But it sure it easier to blame someone else than your significant other and certainly never admit you played any part in your relationship not going smoothly. 

My story goes back a long way.  I'm sure many can relate.  Honestly when I found myself suddenly involved emotionally with someone he wasn't even married yet.  My story is long and with plenty of history and ups and downs...some of them quite unbelievable.  But again, let me reiterate this blog is not being written to justify anything or for women who were on the receiving end of a cheating spouse to go off on how terrible other women are.  Quite frankly, there are plenty of websites to read those stories and I don't care to read how you feel you aren't to blame for any of your relationship going wrong.  This blog is meant for her.  For all the hers out there that have tried to find something or someone to relate to and to tell them it's ok to feel how they do.  For all the hers that never thought they would wake up one day and say "Oh my God, I'm her."  This blog is meant to be honest and give a look at the world through her eyes.