Jealousy

Here's the thing about being her...I know I've mentioned it before...but it is hard not to be jealous of the girlfriend/wife who gets what you want.  She gets the time with him of just being there.  Watching Netflix.  Going to a movie (we did that once, I still have the ticket stub).  Having double dates.  Doing things with friends.  Texting/calling ANY time of day (cause after certain times texting/calling is off limits...although I can get into the texts/calls she did see cause I can't say I was sad about it).

But...if she knew about me...truly knew about me...she would be super jealous.  Hell, she may still be now.  She was at one time, when she knew I was around him daily.  Later he got better at keeping me under wraps.  But not at first.  At first, when things were "innocent" he talked about me and talked about what we did at work and what we talked about.  Hell he may have even told her people called me his work wife.  She was jealous then I know.  She just didn't really know how much she had to be jealous about.  But if she knew what I gave him that she didn't, I know her jealousy would burn more than mine.  As much as I wanted what she gets...there is no need for me to be jealous of any of those things because I know that it's not "real" if I'm a behind the scenes player.  Like I've said before...she isn't really winning is she?  Not that I won either.  The truth is neither of us got all of him like we both wanted.  He told me once "one of the good things about her is that she doesn't get jealous."  I said "um yes she does, she just hasn't shown you yet."  She would show him later...trust me. 

So back when I struggled with my jealousy...I wanted to see if he could be jealous too.  After my divorce I went a bit wild.  I went out A LOT.  I met a few people.  I did not really hesitate in going home with a few of them.  Now before I get labeled a complete ho...know that I stopped myself when I realized a few things.  1.  What I was doing was dangerous in not really knowing who I was going home with because no way was a stranger coming to my house.  So what if I ended up at a psycho's house and nobody knew where I was?  2.  Dangerous because of diseases that are out there of course and 3.  Dangerous for my soul.  I was trying to fill a hole that could not be filled.  At least, not in the way I was going about things.  So...luckily that phase didn't last too long.  (I mean, it can't be that bad right...I am still friends with a few of these guys on FB.  See, these guys wanted more with me...but I prefer a challenge apparently)  I was very lucky with as many risks that I took during that phase that nothing extremely bad happened.*

But during that phase, every time I went home with someone I made sure to tell him about it.  Not straight out but hinted around until he asked what happened during my weekend.  Then I would share and his response was "GOOD for YOU!" said in a way that was completely believable to me.  In a way that I was disappointed he wasn't instead saying "I don't want to hear about it." 

Here's the thing.  He WAS jealous.  He was just way better at hiding it than me.  He even admitted it to me later that he didn't like hearing about it but he wasn't exactly in the position to say I couldn't do that was he?  But one lesson that taught me...the key with winning against the green monster...if you are jealous, in any area of life, don't let it show.  Don't let it win.  Because if nobody knows you are jealous, is it kind of like a tree falling in a forest with nobody to hear...does it even matter?   Jealousy only wins when someone else knows you are jealous and that it is eating away at you.  And once you can control it and not let it eat away at you and affect you outwardly...YOU win.  That is how I won the jealousy battle.   Like a quote on Pinterest somewhere says...there is always a "she" and you may be another person's "she" that she is jealous of.  While you are likely jealous of someone there is always someone likely jealous of you.  And isn't it ironic if you are jealous of each other?  Jealousy really is pointless.  (I know easier said than done.  Trust me, I know)

*BTW-I do not advocate the wild phase although most newly single people go through it.  It DOES make for some great stories I will say that.  Some of my most embarrassing, awkward stories came out of that phase and some of which I will never, ever repeat.  Unless I happen to have about 8 drinks accidentally at dinner one night you may hear one that is the worst story ever.  ( And anyone that has heard it will never speak a word of it.  You know who you are.)