This time of year

This time of year is the worst when you are her.  It's lonely.  It's days you dread.  I hate it.  Every year.

I became irrationally mad today.  I was mad because I am single and dealing with things he can help me with if he had "picked" me.  I am pretty independent but sometimes I just want help and get overwhelmed trying to deal with things the man in the relationship usually deals with.  I was mad thinking how much I can offer, how much he knows this, and how lonely it is doing it on my own.  I can do it.  But sometimes I just don't want to have to.  I want someone to help me.  And I get irrationally mad that his wife has him to do those things for her and doesn't appreciate it.  And I get mad all over again wondering why I wasn't good enough for the "normal" stuff.

I get mad at myself that I have only truly been interested in one guy since him and he turned out to be a jerk.

I get mad thinking all the times I heard "man someone will be really lucky to have you one day."  Well if you say that why wouldn't it be you?

I get sad sometimes but some days I just get mad.  Mad that I have given him so much power over me.  Nobody should have so much power over you to control your emotions so much.

I wish we had a switch to turn the emotions off but since we don't....I hate this time of year.

Back to me

Songs evoke all kinds of emotions don't they?

When we would go through our periods of hot and cold...there were many of those...there are certain songs I remember thinking were perfect for me.  The song was meant for me to hear.  The biggest was Stronger by Sara Evans.

Then there are the ones that just make me sad like this one

And this....(I adore these bands btw)

This one sums up how I rushed right back after the "cold" periods....

Then...then there is this.  LOVE this and the message.   That's what is the bottom line...getting back to me.  

Memory is a funny thing

Sorry I have been MIA a bit.  Sometimes you just need to not think you know?  Last night I was thinking how memory is so funny.  Why do we remember some things so vividly and other things fade so fast?  Some of my most vivid memories are insignificant details. But they stick with me and I will never forget them.

For example...I have blocked out almost every detail of my marriage.  I remember a few things like how I just knew the day I was going to receive a proposal and prayed I was wrong.  I remember not crying at my wedding but crying on my honeymoon.  Maybe I don't remember any good memories because there really just weren't any.

Things I do remember...
-the exact moment I knew I was head over heels for someone who wasn't mine
-the day in the car he held my hand as we drove...as if it was just the most normal thing in the world
-how he chose to hang out with me at a happy hour instead of with his girlfriend the night before she was going out of town for a long weekend
-how I could be so goofy with him and one day when I was being really silly and imitating the radio announcer he became dead serious and looked at me and said "don't go anywhere else because I would be sad."  I remember how it caught me totally off guard.
-how I was in a very small room with him for work one day, very early on, and I felt very uncomfortable.  Later I realized it was because I was so attracted to him.
-how he was trying to tell me some work related info outside and I went full ninja mode when a bee flew near me.  He stopped talking to look at me and I said "I'm sorry but I do not appreciate bees."  He continued where he left off then a few seconds later started cracking up and said "you don't appreciate bees huh."
-I remember wanting to tell him how I felt but didn't.  Even when he said "what was it you wanted to tell me?"


All these small memories that will never fade.  And honestly...I don't want them to.  Even though I have never been through such a tumultuous situation...it taught me a lot.  It taught me that I don't want to settle.  I don't want a relationship in the future that is so easily forgotten like my marriage was.  I want a relationship where I can say "this was the moment I knew..."  I want small, insignificant moments that add up to a significant connection.  What's those song lyrics...I don't want easy.  I want crazy (not literally, nobody got time for that), passionate, best friend and more romance. And it may be rare but I am grateful for having experienced those moments that made me feel alive.  And quite honestly... I am grateful he experienced them with me because I know for a fact he settled for someone he doesn't get those moments with.  I still have a world of possibilities ahead of me.  I am grateful for the memories that won't fade and am grateful the ones I didn't need have long faded.