Questions I often ask myself

As the other woman there are a lot of thoughts and questions that go through your mind.  Here are a few that plague me the most often. 

• Why am I only good enough to be second choice?  The backup?  The secret? 
• Does he regret his situation now and really wishes he could be with me but is too "tied down?""
• Does he think about me as much as I think about him?
• Does he not reach out to me because he is in happy mode at home?  Am I only a distraction?
• What's he doing?  Are they having a date night?  Are they watching a movie? 
• Would he get jealous if another man were in my life? 
• Do I make it too easy for him?  Always being there whenever he calls and jumping at the chance to see him. 
• Will I ever find someone else I feel that connection with like him?
• Is it just a "want what you can't have" thing for him or would he really be with me if he could?
• Why didn't he call today? 
• Why does he act caring some days and like I'm non-existent other days? 
• Why do I worry about pleasing him when he openly admits to not giving me anything in return? 
• If I cut things off would he be more motivated to leave?  Would he miss me?  Would he even care? 
• If I cut things off will he just continue his married life because it's easy?  Would he find someone else?
• How long will I let myself live like this? 
• Does he understand how hard this is for me? 

I am a strong, independent woman who has overcome many obstacles.  I overcame divorce, debt, raising a child at a young age.  I'm so strong in many areas of my life, yet, I am weak when it comes to him.  What is it about him that I won't respect myself enough to say I deserve better? 

These questions keep me awake at night.  One question or another is always in the back of my mind.  I wish I could easily keep my emotions out of it. I can say out of all the things in my life, this has been one of the most painful to deal with.  I'll get more into the story of us later (now is a Taylor Swift song stuck in your head?) but for now these are some questions that still run through my mind.  Seven years later.  Yes, seven years I've been emotionally tangled up at the least.  How long will I let myself live like this?