This time of year

This time of year is the worst when you are her.  It's lonely.  It's days you dread.  I hate it.  Every year.

I became irrationally mad today.  I was mad because I am single and dealing with things he can help me with if he had "picked" me.  I am pretty independent but sometimes I just want help and get overwhelmed trying to deal with things the man in the relationship usually deals with.  I was mad thinking how much I can offer, how much he knows this, and how lonely it is doing it on my own.  I can do it.  But sometimes I just don't want to have to.  I want someone to help me.  And I get irrationally mad that his wife has him to do those things for her and doesn't appreciate it.  And I get mad all over again wondering why I wasn't good enough for the "normal" stuff.

I get mad at myself that I have only truly been interested in one guy since him and he turned out to be a jerk.

I get mad thinking all the times I heard "man someone will be really lucky to have you one day."  Well if you say that why wouldn't it be you?

I get sad sometimes but some days I just get mad.  Mad that I have given him so much power over me.  Nobody should have so much power over you to control your emotions so much.

I wish we had a switch to turn the emotions off but since we don't....I hate this time of year.

Back to me

Songs evoke all kinds of emotions don't they?

When we would go through our periods of hot and cold...there were many of those...there are certain songs I remember thinking were perfect for me.  The song was meant for me to hear.  The biggest was Stronger by Sara Evans.

Then there are the ones that just make me sad like this one

And this....(I adore these bands btw)

This one sums up how I rushed right back after the "cold" periods....

Then...then there is this.  LOVE this and the message.   That's what is the bottom line...getting back to me.  

Memory is a funny thing

Sorry I have been MIA a bit.  Sometimes you just need to not think you know?  Last night I was thinking how memory is so funny.  Why do we remember some things so vividly and other things fade so fast?  Some of my most vivid memories are insignificant details. But they stick with me and I will never forget them.

For example...I have blocked out almost every detail of my marriage.  I remember a few things like how I just knew the day I was going to receive a proposal and prayed I was wrong.  I remember not crying at my wedding but crying on my honeymoon.  Maybe I don't remember any good memories because there really just weren't any.

Things I do remember...
-the exact moment I knew I was head over heels for someone who wasn't mine
-the day in the car he held my hand as we drove...as if it was just the most normal thing in the world
-how he chose to hang out with me at a happy hour instead of with his girlfriend the night before she was going out of town for a long weekend
-how I could be so goofy with him and one day when I was being really silly and imitating the radio announcer he became dead serious and looked at me and said "don't go anywhere else because I would be sad."  I remember how it caught me totally off guard.
-how I was in a very small room with him for work one day, very early on, and I felt very uncomfortable.  Later I realized it was because I was so attracted to him.
-how he was trying to tell me some work related info outside and I went full ninja mode when a bee flew near me.  He stopped talking to look at me and I said "I'm sorry but I do not appreciate bees."  He continued where he left off then a few seconds later started cracking up and said "you don't appreciate bees huh."
-I remember wanting to tell him how I felt but didn't.  Even when he said "what was it you wanted to tell me?"


All these small memories that will never fade.  And honestly...I don't want them to.  Even though I have never been through such a tumultuous situation...it taught me a lot.  It taught me that I don't want to settle.  I don't want a relationship in the future that is so easily forgotten like my marriage was.  I want a relationship where I can say "this was the moment I knew..."  I want small, insignificant moments that add up to a significant connection.  What's those song lyrics...I don't want easy.  I want crazy (not literally, nobody got time for that), passionate, best friend and more romance. And it may be rare but I am grateful for having experienced those moments that made me feel alive.  And quite honestly... I am grateful he experienced them with me because I know for a fact he settled for someone he doesn't get those moments with.  I still have a world of possibilities ahead of me.  I am grateful for the memories that won't fade and am grateful the ones I didn't need have long faded.

Jealousy

Here's the thing about being her...I know I've mentioned it before...but it is hard not to be jealous of the girlfriend/wife who gets what you want.  She gets the time with him of just being there.  Watching Netflix.  Going to a movie (we did that once, I still have the ticket stub).  Having double dates.  Doing things with friends.  Texting/calling ANY time of day (cause after certain times texting/calling is off limits...although I can get into the texts/calls she did see cause I can't say I was sad about it).

But...if she knew about me...truly knew about me...she would be super jealous.  Hell, she may still be now.  She was at one time, when she knew I was around him daily.  Later he got better at keeping me under wraps.  But not at first.  At first, when things were "innocent" he talked about me and talked about what we did at work and what we talked about.  Hell he may have even told her people called me his work wife.  She was jealous then I know.  She just didn't really know how much she had to be jealous about.  But if she knew what I gave him that she didn't, I know her jealousy would burn more than mine.  As much as I wanted what she gets...there is no need for me to be jealous of any of those things because I know that it's not "real" if I'm a behind the scenes player.  Like I've said before...she isn't really winning is she?  Not that I won either.  The truth is neither of us got all of him like we both wanted.  He told me once "one of the good things about her is that she doesn't get jealous."  I said "um yes she does, she just hasn't shown you yet."  She would show him later...trust me. 

So back when I struggled with my jealousy...I wanted to see if he could be jealous too.  After my divorce I went a bit wild.  I went out A LOT.  I met a few people.  I did not really hesitate in going home with a few of them.  Now before I get labeled a complete ho...know that I stopped myself when I realized a few things.  1.  What I was doing was dangerous in not really knowing who I was going home with because no way was a stranger coming to my house.  So what if I ended up at a psycho's house and nobody knew where I was?  2.  Dangerous because of diseases that are out there of course and 3.  Dangerous for my soul.  I was trying to fill a hole that could not be filled.  At least, not in the way I was going about things.  So...luckily that phase didn't last too long.  (I mean, it can't be that bad right...I am still friends with a few of these guys on FB.  See, these guys wanted more with me...but I prefer a challenge apparently)  I was very lucky with as many risks that I took during that phase that nothing extremely bad happened.*

But during that phase, every time I went home with someone I made sure to tell him about it.  Not straight out but hinted around until he asked what happened during my weekend.  Then I would share and his response was "GOOD for YOU!" said in a way that was completely believable to me.  In a way that I was disappointed he wasn't instead saying "I don't want to hear about it." 

Here's the thing.  He WAS jealous.  He was just way better at hiding it than me.  He even admitted it to me later that he didn't like hearing about it but he wasn't exactly in the position to say I couldn't do that was he?  But one lesson that taught me...the key with winning against the green monster...if you are jealous, in any area of life, don't let it show.  Don't let it win.  Because if nobody knows you are jealous, is it kind of like a tree falling in a forest with nobody to hear...does it even matter?   Jealousy only wins when someone else knows you are jealous and that it is eating away at you.  And once you can control it and not let it eat away at you and affect you outwardly...YOU win.  That is how I won the jealousy battle.   Like a quote on Pinterest somewhere says...there is always a "she" and you may be another person's "she" that she is jealous of.  While you are likely jealous of someone there is always someone likely jealous of you.  And isn't it ironic if you are jealous of each other?  Jealousy really is pointless.  (I know easier said than done.  Trust me, I know)

*BTW-I do not advocate the wild phase although most newly single people go through it.  It DOES make for some great stories I will say that.  Some of my most embarrassing, awkward stories came out of that phase and some of which I will never, ever repeat.  Unless I happen to have about 8 drinks accidentally at dinner one night you may hear one that is the worst story ever.  ( And anyone that has heard it will never speak a word of it.  You know who you are.) 

The burn

Friends told me I was attracted to this relationship because I already knew it was "safe" as in he wasn't available therefore I was in no real danger of getting hurt.  Which could be partly true except this type of relationship is guaranteed hurt...

A wife and a work wife-A brief intro

When I first saw him I had a feeling that I had met him somewhere before.  He just had that familiar feeling.  Cheesy?  Maybe...but true.  I didn't have an instant attraction to him in a "want to rip your shirt off way."  (this would come later for sure although I still remember he was wearing a maroon button up shirt the first day I met him) But I was attracted to him as someone I wanted to get to know.  We met at work and spent a lot of time together.  We were in training classes together, on the same teams, and spent a few weeks traveling together.  This time traveling was when I think the real attraction started to build.  Specifically when we both were comfortable talking about EVERYTHING and proceeded to talk about bedroom likes and dislikes.  He made the comment that his girlfriend couldn't whistle and he thought that correlated to giving bad blow jobs because she wasn't good at that either.  Without hesitating I said "That isn't true.  I can't whistle but I sure can do that well."  Ok ladies...when you tell a guy you are good at that...I don't care who he is, his interest automatically increases by A LOT.  This will come into play later but a little tip on that...even if you feel you aren't good at that...act confident as hell and he will think you are great!  Confidence is key. 

We proceeded to tell each other everything.  I know all about his past girlfriend's.  I know about his likes, dislikes.  He found out more about me than anyone would and will ever know.  And the best part...I was absolutely comfortable talking to him about all of this.  It just felt natural.  We had no qualms about any subject.  We worked all day together then would go out to dinner.  The whole time we spent getting to know each other in a way that takes most people years and years to do.  In no time I was known as the work wife.  I had never heard that term before so when someone said that I laughed and said "what are you talking about?"  He said "you know, you are his wife at work.  You two are always together and do everything together and are very close.  That's a work wife."  Finding that out made me extremely happy.  Because I wasn't a happy real wife. 

See...I was married at the time this traveling was taking place. My controlling husband was not happy I was traveling but I didn't ask his permission. 

Sidenote: 

A few signs your marriage may be off course:
-You don't care about consulting your significant other before making a decision
-When you have a fight with your significant other you drive straight to another man's house
-You don't want to do it with your significant other
-The first person you want to tell something exciting to...not your significant other
-You pretty much despise your significant other. 
-You find out you are pregnant and are devastated realizing you are really stuck now.  I'm talking straight up depression here. 

Just a few signs.  I had all those and more. 

So yes, not only was I unhappily married, starting to become highly attracted to someone else, I was also prego.  I was in denial about that last fact.  When I was with him I pretended I was someone else.  Not married, not pregnant.  I just enjoyed being with him.  And so our story began...innocently enough...and I had no idea just what path it was about to lead me down. 

Scandal

I was catching up on my DVR'd shows tonight and watched Scandal first thing.  There is a scene where Olivia says the following: 

 

"I keep asking myself 'When did it happen?  When did I turn right instead of left?  What choice was it that decided?  When exactly did I do the thing...the one step?  What flap of the butterfly's wings brought me to this moment?  How did I get here?  Because I can't seem to retrace my steps."  That right there completely sums up how you wake up one day realizing you are the other woman and those exact thoughts go through your head.  This is why I love this show. 

 

Last season one of her best quotes was this:

 

Responding to someone who says that he gets to tell people he did the right thing and that's something...Olivia says

"That's more than something.  That's everything.  That's what saves you in the end.  You do the wrong thing then you're done.  Not at first.  It only feels like a misstep at first, a compromise, a concession to reality, a bad move well played.  But at some point you're only going in that direction and by the time you realize how far down that path you are you're lost.  Everything is unrecognizable.  You are unrecognizable to yourself.  You find yourself doing things you never thought you would do in ways you never thought you would do them to save things you never thought you would want to save.  That's how you know you are done." 

 

I mean come on...could the dialogue of this show BE any more brilliant and on point?  It's brilliant.  It is rewind, replay worthy.  You find yourself doing things you never thought you would do in ways you never thought you would do them to save things you never thought you would want to save.  On. Point. 

 

It's easy to relate to Olivia Pope.  She's involved with a married man.  He just happens to be the President.  Some of the best lines have come from this show.  If you haven't watched it, I strongly recommend it. 

A few more of my favorite words of wisdom

"Dirty little secrets always come out."

"Work helps.  So does exercise.  Stuff that numbs you, keeps you from thinking too much."

"You would be lucky to have me."

"Who you are, who you love, that shouldn't be a secret.  It shouldn't have to be a secret, should it."

"My world.  My rules."

Watch this show and get inspired by how strong Olivia Pope is.