Run and Hide

If you are like me, anyone that is or has been an other woman wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Ever.  If you are in a situation where it's possible you could end up being the other woman for whatever reason...run.  If you are a newly other...run.  If you are an other who can find the strength that it takes...run. Let me be clear.  It is not a situation you want to be in. When I say it is the highest high it really is. It's better than any drug.  But the lows, and there are a lot of lows, well you'll need some powerful drugs to get you through it.  (I am talking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds here...not heroin ok?)  To quote from a line in Ocean's Eleven, "My advice to you is this. Run and hide. That is all I ask."

Some harsh truths

I'm going to talk about some harsh truths.  If you are the significant other and prefer to be comforted with lies...don't read this.  If you prefer to be blissfully ignorant, don't read this.  For all the other ladies out there in my shoes, I think you'll agree with me on the following points. 

• Just because her number isn't in his phone, it doesn't mean he doesn't call her.
• Just because he is friends with her on FB doesn't mean he isn't with her.
• Just because he is NOT friends with her on FB doesn't mean he isn't with her.  You really can't win with this attempt at figuring things out.  FB reveals nothing.  Unless he sends messages through FB and forgets to delete them.
• Sometimes she really hopes you suspect and it drives you crazy because she has to deal with so many different emotions on her end, she hopes you deal with emotional ups and downs too. 
• The reason that she doesn't tell you anything even when she feels at her wits end with the situation is because a. she is protecting him and b. she wants him to want her on his own term, not because she forced him into it.  (if you do encounter a her that tells you everything, or passive aggressively tells you everything like via a fake FB account...then your man chose a CRAZY one and he most likely regrets that)
• Every anniversary (as in your anniversary), birthday, holiday-she is thinking about him and wondering what he is doing.  Sometimes...he even sees her on those days and that makes her feel really special knowing he wants to see her on days you think are your special days. 
• As much as you may hate her, she has heard nothing good about you so she really can't stand you either. 
• If you suspect anyone of being a her, you should've tried to get to know her and be friends with her, especially if she tried to get to know you.  I tried that route and was completely shot down.  Had I become friends with the significant other, maybe I would've worried more about the impact.  That ship sailed quickly after I made several attempts...and so did my giving a damn.  Harsh?  Yes.  True?  Yes.  Did I make sure to tell him my thoughts about that exact thing?  Yes.  "She should've tried to get to know me better because now I will always take your side."  Period. 
• There are days she is very jealous of you in a way.  She wants the normalcy you have with the day to day things.  She wants to be able to go out in public and enjoy a normal relationship.  But she knows you didn't really "win" in the situation.  Because if you knew about her...you would want what she has.  Her confidence, her ability to give him things that you don't or that you choose not to.  Ultimately, she has the power.  She isn't forcing him to come back to her time after time.  What brings him back is what she provides that is missing from home.
• It boils down to this final statement-if someone wants to stray from the relationship there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it.  You can check cell phones, emails, FB...it doesn't matter.  Even if they say the "when would I have time?" line...they make time.  There is always time for what someone feels is a priority. 
• Sex is important to every guy even if they say it isn't.  It is.  So is respect and admiration. 
• Even if she eventually is out of the picture, the problems don't disappear with her.  The problems were there long before she appeared. 

There are some harsh truths for all the her's out there as well.  Such as...

• By giving him what he wants he can have the stability of a relationship and the fantasy that you provide.  We are letting him have his cake and eat it too. 
• The relationship you have with him is based purely on his convenience. 
• As much as you pretend the significant other doesn't exist, it is a punch in the gut when you see her. 
• You will overthink more than  you ever thought possible.
• You will dread certain days of the year. 
• You will want to tell your friends how happy he makes you and you will want to tell your friends how frustrated the situation makes you but you can't.  Or you can if you trust them enough with keeping it to themselves.  But it is a heavy burden to bear. 
• You are human and you will get jealous even if you know things are bad at home.
• And you love hearing the stories about how bad things are at home. 
• You also hate hearing stories about anything that sounds remotely good. 
• When you hear other people talk about him and his family you will want to scream about how it's not real because he has you but you smile and nod and mutter under your breath about how FB doesn't show what goes on behind closed doors. 
• You LOVE hearing other people come up to you and say "wow I met the wife and she is so rude."  It really validates that you don't just despise her just because you adore him.
• Whatever feelings you have you are allowed to have.  If you confide in someone and they invalidate your feelings then stop confiding in them.  Nobody can understand the feelings until they've been in your shoes.  Nobody.  It's ok to feel jealous, sad, mad, happy, confused, frustrated, hopeful, stupid, naïve, or whatever it is you feel.  It's ok. 
• You'll imagine the most amazing, fun filled family life at home when you wonder what he is doing.  Most of the time what you imagine is completely wrong.  Stop thinking so much. 
• He would not be with you if he were truly happy at home. 
• While people may judge you if you reveal anything, it's not their life.  And it's not their heart.  It's yours to risk.  Follow it.  But don't make him the center of your universe until he makes you the center of his. 

The World Thru Her Eyes

Yes, this is a blog about her.  The her everyone loves to hate.  The her that always is the brunt of the shaming.  The her that always bears the weight of hatred that nobody ever really deserves.  Well, I suppose there are some special breeds of her that have intentions that are different than the her I am referring to and those are a different story.  Everyone probably knows her or of her.  Or maybe, just maybe, you are her.  And if you are, you likely woke up one day and thought "How did I get here?"  See, she never planned on being her.  She never planned on her life going this way.  Why would anyone want to be the one that is bound to be hated?  Chances are, if you are her, you've Googled so many different questions looking for the answer.  I've Googled for answers.  I've talked to people who have opinions that don't really matter to me because I end up following my heart anyways.  The heart and the mind are two very separate entities.  What she knows she should do and what she wants to do play a constant tug of war.  And by constant I'm talking daily.  It's a thought that never truly leaves your mind.  I'm writing this blog because I'm her.  I'm the woman who you would hate if you knew my true story.  But until you know my story I'm just another woman trying to make it through life with as few scars as possible.  Until you know I'm her, I'm just another girl who you may possibly be friends with.  What if your sister, aunt, cousin, best friend, or co-worker is her?  How would you look at her differently?  Does it inherently change who she is?  Does it truly define her?  Absolutely not.  Of course, others will argue that it does. Would you change your relationship with her because of that part of her life?  I hope not.  I guarantee she already feels that part of her life is huge and she can't share it with anyone and that makes it an incredibly, lonely feeling. 

Essentially what I'm getting at is nobody knows what it is like to be her until you have been her.  Nobody knows the feeling of waking up thinking they can't believe this is where they are at until you've been there.  The highs are extremely high and the lows are extremely low.  There are moments where you feel very powerful and there are moments where you feel very powerless.  She is not some seductress with no feelings.  She could be anyone you know.  But they are too scared to admit it and will keep their secrets to avoid the shame that comes along with being her.  And in doing so, they cause more mental damage to themselves having this heavy burden to bear and nobody to confide in. 

There will be people that read this and give the feedback that none of the details matter, she should suffer, she hurt a family.  Honestly, its all been said before, plenty of times, and this blog isn't for negative comments and for scorned women to talk about how awful the her they know is.  This blog is for all the hers out there, like me, who need advice and a place to find others to relate to.  The brutal truth of the matter is the other woman didn't say a vow to anyone (unless the other woman is also married).  Unfortunately, the husband/boyfriend involved usually gets off easier with less blame than the other woman.  Of course the blame had to be because the woman was this irresistible seductress and the man had no power to control himself under her spell.  False.  Everyone has a choice in life.  But it sure it easier to blame someone else than your significant other and certainly never admit you played any part in your relationship not going smoothly. 

My story goes back a long way.  I'm sure many can relate.  Honestly when I found myself suddenly involved emotionally with someone he wasn't even married yet.  My story is long and with plenty of history and ups and downs...some of them quite unbelievable.  But again, let me reiterate this blog is not being written to justify anything or for women who were on the receiving end of a cheating spouse to go off on how terrible other women are.  Quite frankly, there are plenty of websites to read those stories and I don't care to read how you feel you aren't to blame for any of your relationship going wrong.  This blog is meant for her.  For all the hers out there that have tried to find something or someone to relate to and to tell them it's ok to feel how they do.  For all the hers that never thought they would wake up one day and say "Oh my God, I'm her."  This blog is meant to be honest and give a look at the world through her eyes.