Memory is a funny thing

Sorry I have been MIA a bit.  Sometimes you just need to not think you know?  Last night I was thinking how memory is so funny.  Why do we remember some things so vividly and other things fade so fast?  Some of my most vivid memories are insignificant details. But they stick with me and I will never forget them.

For example...I have blocked out almost every detail of my marriage.  I remember a few things like how I just knew the day I was going to receive a proposal and prayed I was wrong.  I remember not crying at my wedding but crying on my honeymoon.  Maybe I don't remember any good memories because there really just weren't any.

Things I do remember...
-the exact moment I knew I was head over heels for someone who wasn't mine
-the day in the car he held my hand as we drove...as if it was just the most normal thing in the world
-how he chose to hang out with me at a happy hour instead of with his girlfriend the night before she was going out of town for a long weekend
-how I could be so goofy with him and one day when I was being really silly and imitating the radio announcer he became dead serious and looked at me and said "don't go anywhere else because I would be sad."  I remember how it caught me totally off guard.
-how I was in a very small room with him for work one day, very early on, and I felt very uncomfortable.  Later I realized it was because I was so attracted to him.
-how he was trying to tell me some work related info outside and I went full ninja mode when a bee flew near me.  He stopped talking to look at me and I said "I'm sorry but I do not appreciate bees."  He continued where he left off then a few seconds later started cracking up and said "you don't appreciate bees huh."
-I remember wanting to tell him how I felt but didn't.  Even when he said "what was it you wanted to tell me?"


All these small memories that will never fade.  And honestly...I don't want them to.  Even though I have never been through such a tumultuous situation...it taught me a lot.  It taught me that I don't want to settle.  I don't want a relationship in the future that is so easily forgotten like my marriage was.  I want a relationship where I can say "this was the moment I knew..."  I want small, insignificant moments that add up to a significant connection.  What's those song lyrics...I don't want easy.  I want crazy (not literally, nobody got time for that), passionate, best friend and more romance. And it may be rare but I am grateful for having experienced those moments that made me feel alive.  And quite honestly... I am grateful he experienced them with me because I know for a fact he settled for someone he doesn't get those moments with.  I still have a world of possibilities ahead of me.  I am grateful for the memories that won't fade and am grateful the ones I didn't need have long faded.